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And one last note: there is absolutely no secret sarcasm in this post. Hahah of course not.
STEP ONE: words. make sure the words are good.
STEP TWO: order. rearrange the words in a way that tells the story. If your story is the same as the emoji movie, you’ve done something wrong.
STEP THREE: characters. Unless your story is about rocks, you’ll probably have characters. Make sure they’re different. Have them fight. Make sure at least three die.
STEP FOUR: setting. Where are your characters going to kill each other? This is very important. If it’s a sad murder, make it at a sad place. If it’s a happy murder, make it at a happy place. Your choice.
STEP FIVE: plot convenience. did you write yourself into a corner? Just throw something random in there to keep your plot going. No one will notice. No foreshadowing necessary.
STEP SIX: foreshadowing. The more foreshadowing there is, the more impactful it is. Why would you want something to happen unexpectedly? No reader likes surprises. So, if the character is about to turn evil, have the character say “I am about to turn evil.” Then, the reader will be mentally prepared.
STEP SEVEN: fancy words. If you want your book to be smart, use smart words. The bigger the word, the smarter it is. Are you worried you might use the words incorrectly? It doesn’t matter! No one even knows what you’re saying, so they won’t correct you! And you’ll sound super smart.
STEP EIGHT: sequels. You must set up a sequel within your story. You cannot have a standalone book. After all, more sequels make more money. Have a minimum of ten sequels for more money. Either have all your sequels planned out or just write as you go. Just go with the flow. Never write an ending or people will be mad.
STEP NINE: pleasing the media. Make sure to include as much representation and diversity as possible. That way, everyone will love you.
STEP TEN: uhhh………… uh…… step ten? uh… SOUNDTRACK. Every good book needs a good soundtrack. Write music that goes with the scenes, then have your sound editor mix them in. A good soundtrack can make or break a movie.
STEP ONE: plot. You should probably get the plot out of the way so you’re not stuck figuring it out two hundred pages in. (TRUST ME: I know this from experience)
STEP TWO: outline. You should probably outline some stuff so if you get stuck you can just consult the outline! I tried this and it didn’t work, but maybe you’ll have better luck?
STEP THREE: worldbuilding. Even if it’s based on real life, you need to understand your character’s surroundings and what’s going on. You need at least a page or two of stuff you want to stuff in your books somewhere. If it’s fantasy… your worldbuilding can be between four and four thousand pages. Bonus points if you create an entire language.
STEP FOUR: characters. Do not Mary Sue/Alpha Male these guys! They deserve better! Put them through torture and maybe even kill them! Anything you want! Just don’t make them cliche, cause that’s rude.
STEP FIVE: death. Just put some death somewhere. But foreshadow it! Just not too much!
STEP SIX: write. Maybe you should start writing it? Side effects include uncontrollable sobbing, facedesking, and hurling your computer at the wall.
STEP SEVEN: write pt. 2. Yes you should write. It doesn’t count if it’s in your head, so get those words down on paper. Who cares if they don’t make sense! They’re still words. Also your characters should cry while eating somewhere or it’s not a Valid™ book.
STEP EIGHT: cry. Crying is cool. I like crying. Crying while snuggled in bed eating cheez-its is peak life. You haven’t lived until you’ve done it.
STEP NINE: scenes-no-one-needs-but-we-all-want. PUT IN SCENES OF YOUR CHARACTERS HAVING FUN! It doesn’t all have to center around the plot. Let them breathe. But not for too long. They still need their daily dose of psychological trauma!
STEP TEN: drafts. On your rough draft, write literally whatever you want. Grocery lists, Christmas lists, hit lists, not lists: anything! Then in the first draft rewrite it all! Then in the next draft cut some stuff. Make sure everything works. And then more drafts and more drafts until it’s nothing like the OG story you had in mind!
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