Hello and good evening, my dear readers. It’s Gilderoy Lockhart again.
I had a lovely little ‘congrats on your promotion’ party and invited ALL OF ENGLAND.
I only had two guests, who stunk to high heaven and their eyes were strange colours. I asked them, “what spell do you use for that colour in your eyes?” They only stared at me. I sent them on their way before casting the EXTREMELY COMPLEX bubblicious bathitis spell on them. I thought they would thank me, but all they did was scream ‘WITCH’ and convulse on the ground. It’s not everyday one has bubbles coming from every crevice of their body- I thought they’d be thankful for the new experience!
But no matter. I have some advice for you, my young Gilderlings.
HOW TO BECOME AS FAMOUS AS ME, GILDEROY LOCKHART
- be INCREDIBLY handsome
- Write 10+ bestselling books. (including an autobiography)
- Become a MASTER at the obliviate charm. Your life will be changed forever.
Speaking of autobiographies, I haven’t told you about mine yet, have I? Magical Me, by me, about me! Who wouldn’t want to read that? Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 52: Traumatic Experience #18
I was seven years old when I had the eighteenth traumatic experience of my life. I was in a burning building, surrounded by muggles screaming in agony. I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t move. I was there, cool as a cucumber, when I realized: my hair must be a MESS! I fumbled for the full fire extinguisher, and instead of putting out the fire on those poor muggles, I checked my hair in the silvery handle. It was a mess! I examined every inch of the place, but there wasn’t a single hairbrush in sight! I began to sob. When the firefighters found me, they asked if I was hurt. I told them, “LOOK AWAY! MY HAIR IS A MESS!” Needless to say, I was put in therapy for the rest of my childhood before I was accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which we’ll get into in another twenty chapters or so.
I will likely insert some relevant information from my books every-so-often for those poor souls who cannot afford necessities like toilet paper, lamps, or my book, Magical Me, available in Flourish and Blotts, Goodwill, or this PDF document: not-a-virus666.exe.pdf
That’s all for today, Gilderlings!