This is kind of a series because I have a LOT of bad writing.

So, enjoy! I’ll just be here… my self-confidence dwindling rapidly!

This is the ‘rewrite’ that is almost worse than the og. Also Alanna doesn’t exist. 

“Jodi, take a letter. I, Queen Cleopatra of the Emerald Seas, pronounce that all mermen sixteen years or older must take part in the war of the Red Depth Empire.  They shall report to my palace on the first Krisk of the New Moon. Those retired or soon to be retired are not included in this statement. Now, Jodi, make several dozen copies and make sure every settlement in my realm gets one. Hop to it.”

“Yes, your Majesty,” Jodi hurried out of the throne room. 

Cleopatra was a powerful mermaid. She ruled an entire realm with the help of her faithful assistant Jodi. She swished her long red tail irritably as a current swept her raven black hair into her face. Her green eyes flashed and saw that a merman had entered the room. Without her summons. She sighed, picked up her scepter, and prepared to transform this man into a miserable polyp. 

“Your Majesty.”

“Victor? You-you’re alive?”

“I am alive in your soul. I am here to warn you. You will fail. You… will… fail…”


“Me, the most powerful witch in the sea? I never fail.”

“There’s always a first time,” The merman faded, and Cleopatra jolted into reality.

“Just a dream… Just a dream…” 

soooOOOOOOOO dramatic


“Jodi? I haven’t seen you since you left school!” Jodi whirled around and faced… faced Percy. She flushed. 

“Hey, Percy. Yeah, I’m working at the Queen’s palace as her personal assistant and friend. I’m supposed to deliver these papers to every settlement in the realm. Actually, deliver them to the post office. I wish she knew how to use eel-mail, but it’s not as “royal” or “elegant” as actual decrees.”

“The Queen’s assistant. Huh. I’ll have to visit you sometime,” He smiled shyly. 

Jodi turned so he wouldn’t see the red in her cheeks. She swished her tail, and said, “I have to. The Queen will be angry if I don’t deliver these. May the Guardians keep your path clear,” Jodi waved and hurried to the post office. She felt bad for cutting off the conversation like that, but if the queen found out she had dawdled on her way to delivering the decrees, she would punish her, and Percy for sure. 


!enter elsi’s stuff chap. one meeting saladin!



Jodi was on her weekly trip to the library, (the Queen wouldn’t let her use the Royal library except for political reasons) when Percy caught up to her, clearly hurt.

Political reasons? Why can’t she use the library? JUST SO I CAN CHUMP IN MORE JODI/PERCY JUNK

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Tell you what?” 

“Tell me I would have to fight in the war.”


“My brother and I turned sixteen two days ago.”

I’m so offended you didn’t tell me national secrets

“Right. I promise, if I knew, I would have told you!” Percy’s expression of hurt turned to worry.

“I-I really don’t want to fight. I’m not that type of person. I’m not particularly strong, and, I enjoy reading a good book with a nice cup of tea! I’d rather stay home braiding my sister’s hair then go kill a bunch of merpeople. I don’t sound very manly, because I’m just not. I wish I could be more like my brother. Robin’s the warrior, not me. I’m not enough,” Percy stood there, unsure what to do. Jodi couldn’t believe that he had just told her his weaknesses. She hugged him gently. Percy hugged her back, after a few startled moments. Jodi felt his worries gradually ebbing away. They broke apart awkwardly.

Hey I think I’m a girl

“Feel better?” Jodi asked, flushed.

“Thank you. I think I can do this,” Percy was still uncertain. 


Elsi couldn’t believe her ears. “Did you say… The GUARDIANS?!”

“Yeah, Littles. We are the Guardians. I thought you’d have figured it out by now,” Saladin smirked sassily. 

“I read about the Guardians every night in my storybook! It’s my bedtime routine. In my book, they are bigger… Why are you so tiny?” Saladin groaned and Echo laughed. 

U fwom my wittle baby book

“At least Catamaran meets your requirements,” Echo grinned.

“Well, if your book said anything about cats whose superpower was being annoying…” Catamaran frowned pointedly at Echo.

“Then Catamaran fits THAT description too,” Echo finished, smirking. 

“Guys, I ’m the insulter! STOP TAKING MY JOB!” Saladin shouted, “We need to figure out what this war is all about, especially since there is no Red Sea Empire,” Catamaran clapped his paws, and Elsi suddenly fell to the sea floor with a loud thump. She shot a look at Catamaran who was sheepishly grooming himself.
“Whaaaat?! You don’t have any broken bones, do you?” He replied.
“Well… no?” Elsi admitted, “where are we?”

“The Guardian’s cave,”  Saladin explained. They entered the cave carefully, following Saladin through the thick tangled seaweed guarding the entrance of the shadowy cave. Echo’s dark fur blended into the shadows as they entered the small, cramped cave. Catamaran slid over to a basin in the middle of the cave, beckoned Saladin with the wave of his paw, and mumbled a few words to Echo. They stuck their paws into the fancy engraved, quartz basin. They uttered a few words and Saladin exploded into a fiery ball of fire, Echo disappeared, and Catamaran was suddenly surrounded by a small cloud flashing lightning and spitting jets of scalding hot water.

Wow use magic to get in your house. Talk about exhausting. 

 Suddenly everything changed. Where the basin was, a wide hole gaped, and cold water invaded the warm. Saladin swam into the hole first, then Echo and Catamaran. Elsi hesitated, unsure what to expect until Catamaran beckoned her to follow with his tail.

Elsi is Alanna but as a 10 year old. And blonde hair because every main character needs blonde hair. 

 When they soon got to the end of the long musty tunnel, they came to a large, spacious room. Pillows sprinkled the floor on Elsi’s left, and a small tinkling in the corner told Elsi that there a chime of blue and purple seashells swung in the currents. A large underwater fire sat before the pillows, lapping closer and closer, wishing it could feed on the fiber. Above the fire, thin swirls of hot water laced into the small drain at the top of the room. 

Catamaran bounded over to a long gritty counter and a door. He opened the door and out flooded four frightened fish with their scales flashing in the firelight. Catamaran closed the door and caught them one by one, and handed a fish to each Saladin, Echo, and Elsi. He kept one for himself. They ate the metallic, mushy, raw fish until Saladin sensed Elsi wasn’t eating. He went over, put a paw on her fish and his paw lit up with fire until the fish was cooked.  

“Thank you! You have a nice place, especially since you’re cats,” Elsi looked around the room again. Saladin nodded and padded over to a low table of sea-scrolls and squid ink. 

“We need to figure out what the Queen is up to. You don’t send your subjects to war with a

fake realm for no reason. Any ideas?” \


“Maybe, just maybe, she’s tired of annoying, irritating, stupid guys. Just a thought,” Echo said in a falsely sweet voice. 

“Or maybe she’s saving them from the bossy, snobby women in their life,” Catamaran snapped back. Saladin sighed. 

“We’re getting nowhere,” Saladin straightened up, shoved both of the cats hard, and screamed, “THIS IS IMPORTANT. STOP BICKERING FOR TWO SECONDS,” When they sat up, concentrating on Saladin, he asked, “For real. How do we find out what she’s up to?”

“Maybe we should wait until more of her plan unfolds?” Catamaran suggested. Echo scoffed.

“Actually, that’s a good idea. Get more pieces of the puzzle.” Echo was enraged and barely kept it contained. 

“I should get home. My mother must be worried. I will help you when we get more “pieces of the puzzle.” Catamaran clapped his paws, and Elsi abruptly appeared in her Mother’s garden.

I thought you had *Robin Williams voice* UnLiMiTeD pOwEr


“Yes, Your Majesty?” Jodi kneeled at the Queen’s feet. 

“Fetch me my finest gown and my finest finwear, and, don’t forget, my finest crown,” The Queen smiled, “I have to look marvelous for the sorting of the soldiers. You do too, you’ll be helping me. After you help me, pick out a dress from the Royal Seamstress and wear it to the Sorting.” Jodi bowed and hurried to fetch the Queen’s outfit. She layed it neatly on her bed, and headed to the Seamstress. 

Dress up! and I spelled laid wRONG

“If I can persuade the Queen to let Percy protect a village or something, instead of fight, Percy wouldn’t have to worry about not being an honorable soldier. I could help him! He might even survive!” Jodi muttered to herself, “Would Percy want me to? He would if his brother was in the deal.”

Let’s save de man . saaaaaaaaaave deeeeeee mannn


Here are my previous ‘Worst Writings’ posts!






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