WORST WRITINGS: PART TWO!

Wow! It’s time for another roasting of my own work! Sit back, relax, and have 911 on speed dial. It may be the only way of saving your eyes.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


We pick up with Jodi and Percy making potions still! So romantic, mixing up dangerous poisons, amirite? 

“So, why are you working on something so dangerous? If it spilled, you may have turned human!” Percy exclaimed as they worked.

“I know.” Jodi sighed.

“Wait. It’s only two drops of seaweed extract. And cut the coral this way then crush them, it’s much easier.” Percy reached over Jodi’s arm to demonstrate.

“Um… ok?” she had just finished crushing the coral when, BAM. the doors to the lab flung open and the Queen entered in a rage.”JODI! Oh. um, hello.” The queen noticed Percy. “What is he doing here?” She said with a false smile and an evil tone.

“Um…. he’s helping me with a project.” Jodi replied, wringing her hands.

“Well, it’s about time for him to go. Bye, um, Peter.”

“It’s Percy. See ya later Jodi.” Percy shot a look at Jodi then swam away. The queen really let it loose on Jodi when Percy swam off. “ YOU COULD HAVE LOST EVERYTHING WE HAVE WORKED FOR! ARE YOU REALLY THAT CARELESS AND DUMB?! RISKING OUR HARD WORK BEING KNOWN TO THE ENTIRE KINGDOM? REALLY? REALLY. I REALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THAT! I GUESS I WAS WRONG!!! YOU’RE FIRED!!! I’M LEAVING. I’M GOING TO FIND SOMEONE MORE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE JOB!!!”

I no gramah, two

The queen stormed out in a huff. Jodi swam away trying to hold back tears that were threatening to fall.

Percy swam away from the castle, wondering what he had just seen. Was it rage he saw on the queen’s face? He kept replaying the strange scenario over and over again in his head. WHOOSH! Something flew past him. To his surprise, it was Jodi! 

“Jodi!” He swam after her. He came upon her sitting on a large rock. He swam up and asked, “Are you ok?” 

“Can I talk to you? For a while?” Jodi’s tear stained face had a look of determination.

  “Sure.” He sat down. 

“Well, when you left. Um… the queen. Kinda…. fired me.”

like five seconds ago I’m pretty sure he heard everything??? 

“It’s my fault then?” 

“Well kinda. She said I was careless and asked if I was trying to spoil her plan.”

“Plan?”  

“Yes, the plan to turn all mermen to… humans.”

“WHAAAAAAAAT!!!” 

“She hates mermen. She didn’t say exactly why, but from what I could gather, she thinks they are too dumb to be allowed to live underwater. She thinks humans are dumb, so men belong there. I don’t know if that’s her exact reason… but… She also wants power. To threaten people to do her will then mermaids will take over the world or something along those lines.” 

“She needs to be stopped… she’s a, a, MADWOMAN!” 

“I know.” They sat there silently looking at each other. Then all the sudden, “AHA!” It was the queen!

 “I knew you would blab my plan! I have no choice but to… RETIRE YOU!! Or better yet. Since my prisons, er, centers are a bit full at the moment, I shall simply kill you.” She said the word “kill” as if it was her favorite dessert. And evil grin crossed her face.

This lady needs to CHUH-EYLL

“SWIM!!!!!” Jodi screamed. 

“Oh you silly dears! You can swim, but you can’t hide! I have spies everywhere. I will find you and kill you myself, but since I have nothing else on the agenda for the next couple of days, I shall give you a full day to hide. Then nothing, NOTHING will stand in my way! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!” 

Wow she’s so evil and heartless she’s going to kill them for blabbing her secrets wow so powerful and evil wow

Jodi and Percy took off swimming. They didn’t care where they were headed, as long as it was far away from her. They swam past the Retirement Center into the Deep Lagoon. Then, they grabbed each other’s hands and plunged into the deep.

THEY HELD HANDS AWE HOW SWEET

***

“I’ve got it!” Echo yelled from her chair.

For the past 6 hours, Echo, Catamaran, Saladin and Alanna had been sitting in Alanna’s house thinking of a plan. Catamaran had gotten bored and wandered off to who knew where. Saladin had made himself comfortable in the laundry basket and had fallen asleep. Alanna had started to help Echo, but Echo claimed she needed “no stupid earthly advice”. So for the past 6 hours Echo had been racking her brain for an idea. Now she had a BRILLIANT plan!

Um… They’re all on earth so isn’t Echo’s advice earthly too?? I’m concerned??

“What is it?” asked Saladin joyously. 

“We’ll sneak into the palace! Alanna said she knew a friend who is the Queen’s advisor! It’s simple really. I’ve heard rumors of a secret lab underneath the palace. It’s said to have special potions that can help us!” Echo explained happily.

“Um Echo? My friend got fired today. The Queen fired her.” Alanna said quietly.

WAIT. HOW DID SHE KNOW? HOW? SHE ISN’T PSYCHIC! NO ONE KNOWS SHE’S FIRED EXCEPT FOR THE QUEEN AND PERCY, WHO ARE KINDA BUSY AT THE MOMENT.

HOW DOES SHE KNOW???

Sorry this plot hole is the worst ever let me just die

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that! Fortunately for us, we’ve got teleportation on our side as well as invisibility. All we have to do is teleport ourselves inside the lab, turn invisible, and grab the potions. Then we can find a potion that can get rid of the Queen and viola! Everything is alright!”

“Sounds like a plan! Oh Catamaran!” Saladin called out. 

“Here!” Catamaran swam into the small house with a bag full of fish in hand.

Saladin shook his head and informed Catamaran of their plan. Catamaran thought the plan was great and agreed to do it. Now with that out of their way, they could gather some more info about palace’s building plans, research useful poisons, and find out where the lab might be.

Let’s just sneak in and steal potions instead of making our own. Also, we’re the most powerful beings in the sea so let’s just sneak in and use our limitless power as a backup plan. 

***

“Ouch!” Alanna cried.

“Seriously Catamaran, you need to work on the landing!” Echo moaned.

“Yeah, we aren’t as fat as you are so we don’t have much to cushion the blow.” Saladin snarled.

“Heyyyyy!” Catamaran protested. 

“Guys, we’re in!” Echo said as she turned everyone invisible.

“Find all completed potions and take them!” Saladin ordered. It took everyone 15 minutes to find everything they needed and headed back to Alanna’s house. When they got there they tried the potions on different fish to see the results.

“Wow, this one knocks them out!” Catamaran marveled.

“This one eats all the flesh off of them.” Echo said in disgust.

“This one’s new, I can tell from the seal,” Saladin said, “and this one….” he tried it on a fish. “ turns it to a… NO WAY! The fish has… LEGS?” They all couldn’t believe it! 

Wow. Life changing!

“This is the queen’s evil plan?” Alanna asked.

AHA THE EVIL PLAN IS TO GIVE ALL FISH LEGS AND EVERYONE ELSE NIGHTMARES!

“I think so.” Saladin replied, worried.

***

Jodi and Percy plunged into the deep where it was so dark they could barely see ahead of them. They held each other’s hands tighter as a strong current threatened to break them apart. They didn’t want to lose each other or… well, let’s just say the queen would get rid of them more easily. Two is better than one anyway.

I literally thought this was romantic

“Where should we go?” Percy asked fearfully.

“I don’t know. It’s hopeless. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the queen’s spies is hiding right over there.” Jodi said mournfully.

“I have an idea!  We could go to the Deep kingdom!” Percy suggested.

“Actually. The queen made up the Deep country and the Deepends. It was part of her plan. She wanted the men to come to the city to “prepare for war” when unleash the potion on them.” Jodi said sadly as she sunk to the slimy, slippery floor. Percy sunk next to her.

“So it really is hopeless.” Percy felt like crying. He didn’t though. Jodi did cry.

 

“We can’t just sit here waiting for our deaths! Let’s try to hide, go somewhere else? He suggested.“You know what? I think we should stay here! It’s really dark, and if we’re quiet, it’ll be hard for the queen to find us!” 

“That’s a good idea.” They sat there, silent, sandwiched between tall sea trees and waited. Waited for the full day to end, waiting for an idea to pop into their heads that was better than just waiting for their likely death.

They’re soooooo clever because they “don’t” wait for likely death. NO ONE’S FOLLOWING YOU GET OUT OF THERE YOU IDIOTS

***

“In three minutes, the full day is up, and I can look for them! Mwahaha! This’ll be easy!” The queen giggled maliciously. She pulled out her long, shiny scepter and… “show me my scepter, show me my enemies!” the end of her scepter glowed then exploded into fire.

“What- OH MY GOSH!!!” The queen remembered. The scepter explodes into fire and disappears to a whirlpool miles away when…

“THE GUARDIANS ARE THERE! ARRGGH! THEY RUIN EVERYTHING. I thought Victor had eliminated them!” 

At the mention of her late husband’s name the queen burst into tears. 

“THE GUARDIANS! It’s all their fault he’s dead! They killed him! They knew he was working for me! So they killed him! For 20 years, 20 YEARS! I’ve been tracking them down, hunting for them, so I could repay the debt they owe me for killing Victor.”

The queen flew into a fit of rage and threw a vase against the palace wall. 

“I’VE HAD ENOUGH! SEARCH THE SEA FOR THE GUARDIANS AND THOSE TWO WORTHLESS MERKIDS!” the queen ranted. “I’ll kill them all. Even if it’s the last thing I do!”

At the queen’s order, 10,000 guards and soldiers swam out into the sea in search of The Guardians and the two “worthless merkids”.

10 freaking THOUSAND?

*********************************************************

  Percy and Jodi were still sitting between the two trees like statues when they heard voices. 

“Boy, was the queen mad.”

“The last time she was that mad was when she fired that kid.” the voices came from two palace guards. Jodi’s eyes went wide.

“Who are ‘The Guardians’ anyway?” a stupid looking guard asked.

“You SHELL-BRAIN, remember when Victor died? Those cats appeared to the queen? We were only kids but we were there.” said the other guard as he frowned.

Okay so there’s Dumb and Dumber, the stereotypical buff guards.

“Ohhhhh. Those cats. They gave me nightmares.” The dumb one answered. Curiosity was nagging at Percy and Jodi. They peeked around their hiding spot and caught a small glimpse of the guards. One of them, the dumb one, was short and had a mouse-like face. The other one was tall and looked like a bodybuilder.

“I say we try and swim for it. What about you?” Jodi whispered. Percy shook his head no. 

“Let’s see how dumb they really are.” he whispered back. He took a book of his bag he had been carrying and threw it under the guards in the opposite direction.

“What was that?” The tall guard asked.

“I think it was a… a… cat?!” the dumb one answered.

“Oh! You’re a special kind of stupid aren’t you? That’s a book ABOUT CATS. I can’t believe I was paired up with you. I can’t stand delinquents like you.” The other guard scowled. They stood facing the direction of the book.

“Jodi, swim slowly away. Slowly!” Percy hissed, backing away.  Once they came about six feet away from the guards, they turned and swam through the forest towards the Shark Sea.

***

They stopped swimming when they got to a clearing. It was bright, the sand was light, and there were sharks EVERYWHERE. 

“Um Percy? This is the Shark Sea.” Jodi squeaked.

“I know, they would be crazy to look for us here.” Percy replied.

“But we would be crazy to try to save our lives by risking our lives!”

“Would you rather die by a shark or at the queen’s wrath?’’ 

“Now you have a point there…”

“Of course I do.”

“Alright alright. As of right now, being a mermaid souffle doesn’t sound too bad after all. Let’s go.”

“That’s what I thought.” Percy said smugly. With that, they swam cautiously into the Shark Sea. 

***

“CATAMARAN! NOOO!” Echo screamed into the smoky water. 

HOL UP.

WATER CAN BE SMOKY???!!

Just a few moments ago, the Guardians and Alanna had been swimming back to Alanna’s house with all of the queen’s potions. Then a giant ball of smoke and ashes had erupted in front of them. 

“Hello my dears. So we meet again.” The Queen said in sickly sweet voice. “Care to tell me what’s in the bag?” She gestured with a perfectly manicured hand towards the bulging bag filled to the top with potions.

“Go away Cleo! We know what you’re up to!” Catamaran demanded.

“Up to? Haha! Silly kitty! I’m not up to anything!” the queen explained as if Catamaran was a baby.

Isn’t the queen terrified? Why is she throwing LIQUIDS through LIQUIDS at CATS? There’s so much wrong with everything ughhhhh

“I think we should use the human turning whatchamacallit NOW!” Alanna whispered to Saladin.

“No. We must get her riled up and then strike.” Saladin replied softly.

Too late. Catamaran grabbed a potion, and flung it the queen. The queen blocked the potion with her new scepter. 

Yeesh. This is the second scepter of the day. OH NO! They’re ruining my new SIMPLY SASSY SEAWEED DESIGNER DRESS!!!! Oh they’re in for it now! She thought.

#meangirls

Catamaran had not considered the potion bouncing harmlessly off the scepter and onto him. The potion splashed all over his beautiful, silver, fur. 

“CATAMARAN! NOOO!” Echo screamed into the smoky water.

Black water encircled Catamaran and with a small POOF, he turned into a….. 

“I’m a CHICKEN?!” Catamaran squawked in surprise. “That’s cool! I’ve always wanted to be a chicken. Wait! There are no KFCs or Chick Fil As nearby are there?”

THESE DON’T EXIST IN THIS WORLD YET GET YOUR CENTURIES RIGHT

“Um no.” Alanna said confused.

“Ok good. You know what? I like being a chicken. It’s fun.” Catamaran squawked happily, flapping his wings.

WOW PLOT TWIST THAT SURE DID HOLD US IN SUSPENSE

“Now that that’s all sorted out, I SHALL FINISH YOU ALL!” The queen cried gleefully.

“Sorry, but no.” Echo interrupted. She clapped her paws and she, Saladin, and Alanna vanished into thin air.

“What?!” The queen shrieked furiously. They were right under her nose! She was so close!

“See ya!” said Catamaran.

The queen gasped. Catamaran was grinning at her. He was a cat again! She longed to know how he did it.

“Haha! Remember? I’m a Guardian! I can do anything! I simply clap my paws and think of my request and it happens! I would love to keep chatting, but I gotta go save the world! Ta ta!” Catamaran clapped his paws and disappeared too.

Assuming this is true, couldn’t they just, y’know, lock the queen up and save everyone? Or something to fix the entire book? Okay?

Now the queen was all alone, standing in the middle of the still, dark waters of her kingdom.


Okay so I hope you survived this post too! If you want to suffer through MORE of this nonsense, my previous WORST WRITINGS post can be found here


THANK YOU FOR READING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7 thoughts on “WORST WRITINGS: PART TWO!

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