I am letting you read my WORST piece of writing: THE GUARDIANS!

Okay so expect a loooooooooot of salt. More than ALL of Crait.

Anyway, I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL when I wrote this so Please please PLEASE *cries* ENJOY THIS AWFUL TRASH!! 🙂


This is a mermaid story. Set underwater. Just letting you know so you aren’t confuzzled. Also, my best friend helped with some of it, so some of the worse writings are TOTALLY hers. Okay.

Alanna sat at her window that faced her garden down in the yard. She swam over to her bed and pulled out a book from the Outsider’s world. She ran her hand over the title that said, The Great Fa Mulan: A Storybook. She loved the book because the main character was a girl who wanted to fight in the war too for her father. Cleopatra was going to declare war on our neighboring kingdom, the Deepends. Her father… well, he couldn’t fight. He died. Alanna tried to wipe away a tear, but it was too hard since she was underwater. Her father had a full life, and she was happy about that. The way he died upset her the most. She shook her head and stuffed the book back under the bed. The thought upset her too much. She swam across the room to the doorway and swam down to the fifth floor, then all the way to the first floor. As she went down the stairs, her long, blue tail knocked a picture off the wall. The picture broke due to the force of her tail, and floated to the floor. It was a picture of her father. She took the pieces and stuffed them into her bag

      “I have some sticky solution that I found in the outsider’s world, but it has to dry. I’ll take it up to the surface later.” she thought. She glided out of the house into her garden. She gazed at her multicolored seaweed and the pathway made out of large clamshells she had dyed different colors. Across from the seaweed, she had her coral reef that she had forged. Rainbow colors with tropical fish zipping around the coral and hiding in crevices. Her small garden was her pride and joy.

Sad backstory? Check. Awful third person info-dumping? Check. Younger me is keeping to the cliche VERY well. 


She looked across the street and saw a small troop of soldiers floating to the town. She saw the Old Man getting on the Carriage of Retirement down the road! Panic flooded through her veins and she flew over the the carriage and asked, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Sweetie, I am retiring under the Ruler’s request. I’m sorry.”

“When you retire, you can’t leave the Deep Lagoon!”

“I know. I have no choice.”

“No one can visit you either except for the other people in the Deep Lagoon!” A soldier swam up to them and closed the door to the carriage. 

“Bye, my coral.” he said sadly as he rode away.

“NOOOOOOOOO!” Alanna couldn’t believe that the Ruler forced him to retire. Even though he was old, he said he would never retire. She swam quickly to the house and yelled, “MOM! ROBIN! PERCY!” When everyone came downstairs, she told them the news of Old Man retiring. 

“No way.”

“Oh my.”

“I’m shocked!” they all replied anxiously. 

“We have to ask Cleopatra to take him out of retirement.”

“No one is allowed into the Great City, much less talk to the Ruler.” Her mother replied. The twins, Robin and Percy, sat there silently. 

“I know. That’s what makes this situation hopeless.” Alanna replied. She swam up to her room on the top floor and sat on her bed. The Old Man was my father figure and he’s gone. I need to get him back. 

WOW! Sadness!



Cleopatra sat on the shore of the island early the next day, thinking. Should I declare war on the Deepends? “Jodi. Bring me my sea paper.” Jodi came tumbling through the surf with a sheet of sea paper and a pen. 

“Here ma’am ” Cleopatra took it and started writing. I, Cleopatra the 10th, declare war on the kingdom of the deep. Every man sixteen years and older must join the war except for the men retired on or before yesterday’s date. Everyone within the age limit meet at the Great City.

*enter very fancy font* Cleopatra the 10th 

Jodi, make copies and give them out at every city..” Jodi swam away. She wondered who would guard the towns since every man had to go to war.. She brushed these thoughts aside and kept swimming. 

Now there’s a scene of Alanna’s insomnia, and now… TALKING CATS. (I was into warrior cats, obviously. Warrior cats isn’t that bad- I still read them TBH but I was OBSESSED)

She came up to the surface and found a warm spot on the sand for a nap. When she woke up, she sat up and thought about the recent events out loud. 

Okay. You sleep, wake up, and start WHINING? Typical 13-yos

Awww Stan Lee... UGH now I miss him. Sorry. Carrying on.

“What’s going to happen to us? We need help!” As she said those words, a cat slunk out of a nearby tree without her noticing. It came up and sat next to her. “You need help?” The cat spoke to her, startling her. “You’ve got help.” 

“You… Can talk?!” 

“Of course I can, you idiot! I just said, ‘you need help, you’ve got help.’” The cat said reproachfully. 

These adverbs are killing me.

“But… I’m a mermaid. You’re a cat. Cats and water don’t mix.” 

“You mean NORMAL CATS. I’m NOT normal.” The cat said irritably. “I am the GREAT, POWERFUL, WATER LOVING, ALSO ABLE TO SWIM UNDERWATER FOR WEEKS WITHOUT COMING UP FOR AIR, SALADIN THE GRRRRRREAT!!!!” He said pompously. “And you are…” 

“Oh, um, I’m Alanna.” She stammered. 

“Well, ALANNA, watch this!” Saladin dove into the ocean. He came back up to say, “come on!” Alanna hesitated, then dove in after him. She was amazed at how fast the cat could swim. She maneuvered around rocks and coral as the cat swam towards the Deep Lagoon. 

“NO! We can’t go there!” She cried desperately to the cat. 

“C’mon! Stop acting like a kit! It’s for your own good. You are going to talk to the Old Man.”

*cough* warrior cats *cough*

“It’s against the law!”

“‘It’s against the law!’” he mocked, “so what?” 


Retiring=death/imprisonment btw. Why would you imprison 100 yo men for no reason?? IDK!

“Relax, Littles. It’ll be FINE.”

“Alright. If I get in trouble, I’m blaming you.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Throw me under the bus. Whatever. It’s not like I’m trying to help you or anything.” he said irritably as his fur coat briefly lit up.  

This is before buses existed, btw

“Sorry.” Alanna apologized as they headed towards the Deep Lagoon. “Wait, did you just CATCH FIRE?

“Um, yeah. I’m a FIRE CAT. Duh.” 

I no syence

“Oh, that’s obvious.” They had arrived at the Deep Lagoon Retirement Center. “It’s so spooky down here.”

There was a greenish light coming through the tall seaweed surrounding a circle of small caves where old merpeople sat around looking depressed. At the entrance, there were two surly looking guards. Alanna saw the Old Man in the third cave! 

“What do I do? How am I supposed to get past the guards at the entrance?” she whispered to Saladin. 

“OWWWWW!!!!” a male voice yelled from behind them.

A loud thump followed the voice.

I no fysiks

“You IDIOT! I said transport us and make sure we have a soft landing!” a female voice lectured. 

Alanna turned around and glimpsed two cats. The male cat was grooming himself and looking away innocently. The girl cat was hissing at him and looked very displeased with the guy. 


“Whaaaattt? I got us here, didn’t I?”” Catamaran protested,licking his paw innocently. 

“Hmph. You got us here all right. It’s a miracle we’re both in one piece.”

“There’s our way in,” Saladin whispered to Alanna. “Catamaran! Echo! If y’all are done squabbling, can we please get down to business?” He asked in annoyance.

“Whatever.” Catamaran rolled his eyes.  

“FINE.” huffed Echo.

“We need to get Alanna into the Retirement Center without being caught. Echo, can you make her invisible inside the center? Catamaran, can you transport her into the center?

“Sure! Oh and Alanna dear. Make sure you bring a pillow. The landing, I assure you, will not be pleasant.” Echo said snidely.

“Heyyyyyy!” Catamaran glared at Echo. 

“Ok, so it’s all settled! Alanna, ready?” Saladin said bossily. 

“I guess.” Alanna said, still shocked by the other underwater cats. 

So now there’s a brilliant plan to get into the retirement center, find the Old Man’s place, and steal a piece of paper from the queen. Why do they need the piece of paper? FOR THE QUEEN’S ADDRESS!!!!! NOTHING ELSE!!!!!

“ENOUGH! I want that girl brought to me this instant!” Queen Cleopatra’s voice rang out through the palace’s great hall. 

“Bbut yyyour MMMajjesty…”stuttered Jodi, “She seems to have disssaaa…”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?” The Queen thundered at Jodi.

“She seems to have disappeared, your Highness!” Jodi said, trembling in fear.

“Well then! Search the sea for her! This girl is vital to my plan! I need her!” The Queen screeched in poor Jodi’s ear.

“Yes! Of course your Majesty! I shall send the search parties at once!” Jodi squeaked.

“Good. Once I have that girl, we shall be unstoppable….”

The Queen tilted her head back and gave an evil laugh. It echoed throughout the palace. Jodi turned and fled the room, her long, green tail swishing behind her. She swam off to assemble a search party. 

Jodi is the queen’s most trusted advisor, who is TERRIFIED of the queen, and, as you’ll see in the next scene, is in LOVE with Alanna’s brother, Percy.


“Oops! Wrong vial!” Jodi realized as the pot of boiling, pink liquid exploded and flew everywhere. She quickly swam and grabbed the mop. 

I pwomiss I no fysiks

“Nice setup you have here. What are you doing?” asked a voice from the hallway. 

“AHHHHHH!” Jodi shouted in surprise.

“Woah! Easy there! It’s just me.” Percy said as he entered her lab. 

“Oh. Uh hi Percy? How is me? I mean how are you?” Jodi babbled.

Awe. #soawkward

“Hey Jodi. I’m doing fine. So what are you doing down here?” Percy asked calmly.

“Uh I’m just doing a science project. I mean… mopping?” Jodi stammered.


(the gif makes no sense except that there’s a mop)

“Cool! I love science! Can I help you?” Percy asked eagerly.

“Ummm…. Help… me? Sure, I guess……” Jodi blushed.

“Yay! I mean, nice. So what are we working on?” questioned Percy excitedly.

“Well. I’m trying to come up with something that’s strong enough to knock someone out for a while, then something that can turn a mermaid into a human.”

“Woah woah woah! Waaaiiiitttt a sec! You want to turn a mermaid into a HUMAN?!” Percy cried.

“No no! I want to discover how to make a potion like that so it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands later!”

“Oh ok. That sounds good. Well. Let’s get started!” 

Yeah, that’s not suspicious AT ALL.

With that, Percy and Jodi started working on the potions. Jodi’s heart hurt. She wanted to tell Percy everything, but she couldn’t. At least not yet. Not even she knew everything about what was happening. She was certain of one thing though. The battle between good and evil had begun. 

“So we got the paper. What next?” Catamaran wondered. Saladin and Catamaran was in the Guardian’s hideout. Echo and Alanna were upstairs… doing… whatever girls do at sleepovers. 

“We figure out what the Queen is up to. She doesn’t retire people for no reason. Remember Eleanor? She was retired because King Saul was planning an evil plot to turn all mermaids to humans and Eleanor found out. Before she could tell anyone, she was retired, which was the same as going to prison.” Saladin explained.

“Ohhhhhhh. So we have to spy on the queen? To see what she’s up to?”

“Yes! You’re catching on!”

“So why do we need the paper?”

“To see where she lives!”



“Ohh. well, I  have the PERFECT spy plan. I was thinking that maybe we could….” Catamaran was interrupted by Echo who entered the room.

“Yes, go on.” Saladin prodded.

“I was thinking that maybe you… you could… eat… potatoes and ketchup and….. Um… throw ice cream through the window to…. Distract her and….. I can grab her special…… diary! Yes diary…” Catamaran babbled on until Saladin  interrupted, “Yes… um, thanks. Maybe we should, um, go over the plan when you aren’t so…. Tired.” Catamaran blushed and said, “Maybe.” and shrugged. Echo left the room, very confused.

“Alanna, I think maybe we should get a better team. I just walked downstairs when they were discussing the plan and…. Well Catamaran didn’t have a very intelligent-sounding plan. Something about potatoes and ice cream and diaries. I don’t know.” Echo explained.

Echo is supposed to be part of the Guardians, which is a legendary group of cats that guard the merfolk. AND she can’t put up with Catamaran for one second. What is this????????????????????????????????????????????

“When did Catamaran start talking about that stuff? Did you hear him on the stairs? Or when you actually walked in the room?” Alanna replied.

“Well…….. When I walked in the room. It sounded pretty good before I entered.”

“AHA! Then there you have it!” Alanna said triumphantly.


“CATAMARAN LIKES YOU!” Alanna exclaimed while batting her eyelashes.

Yeah that totally makes sense

“STOP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!” Echo put her paws over her ears.


“NOOOOO!” Echo cried. Her two spots on her cheeks went invisible. 

A cat romance! They totally don’t mate with literally anyone because these are sophisticated cats

“Is that how you blush? Because it looks like you are.” Alanna asked.

“No.” Echo said and her spots returned as she pawed the ground.

“OOOOOOO! You like him huh?” Alanna prodded.

“No. Please stop talking about it.” Echo’s normally warm voice went cold. A look of what Alanna thought looked like regret, crossed her face. Then she set her jaw in determination and resumed her gentle tone and smiled weakly.

“Let’s discuss the mission. We can think of plan. Anything is better than what I heard downstairs.”

“Ok…” Alanna threw the cat a look of confusion. 

Echo ignored her and started planning their strategy. 

Alanna shrugged, laid a map out on the table, and started writing.


11 thoughts on “WORST WRITINGS: PART ONE

  1. prabhleen kaur says:

    LOOOL OH MY GOSH WHY IS THIS ACTUALLY THE MOST ADORABLE THING I’VE EVER READ and the gifs just made the reading experience 100 times better. but like why is this so good in comparison to the crap i was writing in middle school 😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

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